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memories fade

slowly all my entries are being locked. everything older than a week will start getting locked.

and one day will rot and disappear.

just like me.


i'm posting here.

here it is.

it is done.

old life

how weird for me to be back here writing something lame

i've been going through a bunch of old photos and old music and it makes me miss the horrible old days when i constantly wrote on LJ and i had no light at the end of the tunnel.

there's something warm and comforting about doing nothing with your life and being all... inward.

but you can't turn back the clock... you can't have your old friends back... you can't have your old life back

Jun. 16th, 2010

sarah says:
what kind of question is this
michaeldavid says:
that's.... so awesome
sarah says:


all this "live in the now" shit... y'know?

i think it might actually be appropriate.

i dwell on the past, i get sad... i worry about the future, i get anxious

but how do you "live in the now" when "now" might suck because of yesterday, or when tomorrow's "now" will suck because of something you just "did in the now"

i ask you

someone answer me

because i want to know

i want to live in the now.

i really really own too much shit. my bedroom is full of junk. i have two dressers full of clothes and one closet with about 30 button up shirts. i don't wear a lot of the shirts cuz i think they look stupid, and a bunch of the t-shirts in my dressers are in a "fat" pile as in "you're now too fat to wear these". i haven't even LOOKED at the shorts yet. Ach. summer's going to be a big GET OFF YOUR ASS event.

i have been focussing too much on the "fleeting" aspects of life. i think about the "2 years" or whatever instead of the consequential "50".

anyway... you spend all your time planning and not actually DOING, you'll end up right where you are when you started all the planning in the first place.

true story.

in other news, i LOVE community channel... this girl is amazing. greg introduced me to her.

i saw this one first

sleep is a waste

yeah. i went downtown to check out the olympics. i did. in total i was down there for about 11 hours. wasn't long enough. i want it more. i am sad it will be gone after sunday.

i will spend sunday watching the last hockey game with my parents and greg. then i will be sad.

i am more determined than ever to win the lottery. that's right. determined to win the lottery. don't ask how. i just am. hopefully my determination will pay off.

also, i am going to start up my own nutritionist consultation business junk. tell people what to eat. it's what i'm trained to do. i'll do it. i need to make money. whatev.

i miss school. i miss chinese. i miss linguistics. i miss german. i miss my old ideas. i miss my old life. i miss my old body. i miss my old job.

i want millions. i want health. i want my family to stop suffering. i want to travel. i want to live somewhere else. i want a baby.

my front brain is being a jerk. i know it probably just needs sleep, but i can't give it that. i'm too old and there's not enough time for sleeping. sleeping is for those who have time to waste. sleep is a waste.


remember how i was horribly moodswingy and not quite but almost bi-polar at one point? CRRRRAAAAAZY ME

well it's back.

i'm just sitting in the office at work and all of a sudden i feel myself being pulled down, pretty much physically, and all the lights change their hue, and my mood just plummetted.

then there's all the random crying for no reason and then the babbling and then the crying again... and sitting around feeling sad. and blah blah.

mix this with the constant headaches and neck pain, i was walking somewhere in the store and i just fell to the ground cuz of the stabbing pains in my chest.

not making anything better is everyone at work. that environment is bad for me.

i have bad feelings. 2010 is bad. why is it bad. this is a bad year. for me? the world? who? i dunno. it's bad.

maybe it's the stupid olympics that EVERYONE HATES.

in the end it's probably all my fault. 100%. because i'm clinging to things, people, and ideas and so much is changing and i think my soul is tearing away from my body.

that's what it is. my soul is tearing away from my body.

a whiney LJ post


it's 2010.

i'll be 30 this year.

i have to make an honest effort to fuck up my life so that i'm forced to actually do something about it.

currently i'm playing an mmorpg. definitely the opposite direction of where i'm meant to be going.

i've been absolutely ill since the new year. bad sleep, bad headache, bad aches, bad thoughts, bad life.


i haven't taken my 5htp, p5p, blah blah blah pills for a while now. the ones that help my head be normal.

now i'm developing paranoia

i want to see where this goes

i want to know if being short of vitamins and such will help me RUIN MY LIFE


i saw dog bodies on the highway... i heard footsteps in the printer... the sums of daily life aren't making sense

no sense

2+3=7, right? or rather... there is 7 therefore it must be 2+3... not 3+4 or 2+5 or 1+6 etc... it HAS to be 2+3 because that's the only thing that makes sense...

but it doesn't.. and i know it doesn't... so i'm not technically crazy... but my brain does go there.

i mean i could just take my damn vitamins...

whatever... sometimes it's nice to have your psyche go to a bad place for a while... like taking a vacation. it also makese life MORE SERIOUS. and that's a kick in the pants

we all need a kick in the pants sometimes

Went to yoga twice today. Very good. I only go once tomorrow. I can go twice on Thursday again. We'll see.

Then had Korean food and played Settlers of Catan.

Ok. This Korean place that Greg and I go to is SO GOOD. I had the seafood and tofu soup... spicy. And I dunno what could be better. Plus we get all this extra stuff with it and the lady there is cute. I wanna eat there every day!

Greg and I went to Carol's house and we played Catan with the Seafarers expansion. Carol won again. 3 times now. Greg and I are too nice. WE HAVE TO BE AGGRESSIVE. Plus one of my pieces of the game is missing, so that sucks.

I found myself looking at pictures of libraries at UBC earlier... and then I started getting butterflies. And then I realised that I missed my apartment. Like really really missed. And then I started recalling my last day there. And then I started crying.

Why does everything have to be so shitty expensive. Why can't I just fall ass backwards onto a pile of money.

I miss my house. I felt at peace there... and I miss the process of school. I don't really miss school itself. But I enjoyed the studying and the sitting in a cafe and studying in the library deal. I really did.

But oh well. That particular ship has sailed. It might come back in a different form. Whatever.

front parts

i looooooooooooooove yoga

i went 3 times this week so far. there's not really any more classes i could take for the rest of the week. i'll go again on monday. then maybe tuesdaywednesdaythursday. we'll see. i fell asleep at the end of today's class in savasana. but apparently a lot of people do. i think i heard someone snoring.

my back cracks like nuts during this stuff... it's sooooo good. except i think my left hip is unhappy. it feels dislocated... i was fine yesterday, but when i went to do some of the twisty poses today... my left hip was being a jerk. meh. who knows.

and the instructor today was CRAAAAAAAZY. this is like... a slow yoga class / foundations class... for noobs... but she had us doing stuff... hoo... my muscles were screaming and burning. and it was weird... she said that some poses "massage" certain organs like the liver and can cause detox. well... i started getting sick. i almost felt like i was gonna pass out.

stupid liver.

no more massage for you!

now i just have to run more, and bowflex a liiiittle bit more... and i should be rad.

work is fine. new workcentre. me and haley were squealing in excitement. i mean... what is that? since when did we become so lame? new office equipment? but like... it has FULL AUTOMATIC DUPLEX. and it has a DOCUMENT FEEDER THAT WORKS. it'll save us at LEAST 5-15 minutes per day. hoorah. and it's wireless. big deal. that shit is lame. booo.

all our potted plants at work look soooo sad. so i told my boss i was going to come in on a day off and clock in (i guess then it's not really a day off) and i was going to repot everything and make it all nicer. she said fine.

an old lady asked me whether or not she could have gotten a bladder infection because of her leaky gut... "because... you know... ladies and men are different. our parts are closer together. for ladies, our anus is closer to our front parts than men. is that a way to get a bladder infection?"

sounds like you have a clue, lady. do you get off on talking about your front parts? plus i'm not a doctor. i don't need to know.

diane, a fully grown adult with two fully grown children... "Yeah! If you wipe the wrong way, you get POO in places. FRONT TO BACK!.... POOOOO"

i've never heard them called "front parts" before